And if they would, I do not do that thing." These interesting quotes on being clever are divided into these sections; Dont raise your voice, improve your argument. Unknown, Work hard in silence, let success make the noise. Frank Ocean clever quotes, Everybody is born with genius, but most people only keep it a few minutes. Edgard Varse quotes about cleverness, Clever tyrants are never punished. Voltaire. 35. ], 2) I threw a boomerang a few years ago. 46. Charlie Brown, 8. 5. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off. How can you tell youre getting old? - Will Rogers. A bad habit has a unique detrimental effect on your life. Richard D. Rawlings, 61. Iconic funny movie quotes from fan favorites and cult classics like Elf, Coming to America, Mean Girls, Legally Blonde, The Big Lebowski, and more have . Through the grapevine. Yep, funny Father's Day gifts totally existand if he's best known for his humor, he'll definitely get a kick (and a good knee slap) out of these picks. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. Enjoy. Not saying I live in a rough area but just bought an advent calendar and half the windows are boarded up! Life is too short to be serious all the time. Nobel. Theyll choose your nursing home. Unknown. Then turn to these bad jokes that you cant help but laugh at, short jokes that anyone can remember, and for the little ones, short jokes for kids. "Money can't buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it. 15) I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila. Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? Edgar Bergen, 11. "People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.Isaac Asimov, 77. Whats a dogs favorite homework assignment? But, if such a sad instance occurs and you couldn't find your favorite one-liner included in our list, add it in the comments section. What I dont like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. Phyllis Diller, 28. 68: Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. Company Swag Ideas Employees Really Want 1. Looking for some witty and humorous one-liners on life? These humorous quotes are sure an answer to all stupidity you face day in and out. , A long life may not be good enough, but a good life is long enough. ~ Benjamin Franklin. 85 Muhammad Ali Quotes Words Of The Greatest Champion, 50 Generational Wealth Quotes To Inspire You To Create A Legacy, 50 Daddys Little Girl Quotes For The Best Father Daughter Love, 110 Saturday Vibes Quotes For A Good Weekend. "Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible." "Well, tell him I can't see him right now." One liner tags: communication, doctor, puns. Getting paid to sleep thats my dream job. Anonymous, 43. There's no such thing as being overprepared. "For years, Mock the Week delivered a witty spin on the newsentertaining a broad cross-section of the UK audience through funny conversations, one-liners, and improv comedy. Whos there? Knock, knock. Shirley MacLaine, 57. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. Unknown, 70. I changed my password to "incorrect". 65. "7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.". 68. - John Leonard. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. I hate Russian dolls; they're so full of themselves. Question:What do you call a fish with no eye?Answer: FSH. Both. I now live in constant fear., 3) Whats a comedians least favorite drink? "All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening. Don Baird / Getty Images Advertisement 2. Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I was gonna tell a time travelling joke but you guys didn't like it. A dirty double-crosser. Looking for a funny quote or saying to reflect the humor that underlies many facets of life? 4. Best Employee Engagement Software Platforms For High Performing Teams [HR Approved] A large fortune. Because seven eight nine. "As you get older, three things happen. "A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so . Turns out, he just locked me in the closet. (Brain Champagne), 5) What did the duck say when she bought lipstick? 75. You can even source a complete bank of surprising and hilarious facts about your teammates using Water Cooler Trivia. All i want to go back and meet eligible single and one liners for special someone for dating sites embrouilleur je parle bien c'est tout. The wife says that yes, he could. To see a mans true face, look to the photos he hasnt posted. 40. (Ex: Do you know what I love most about baseball? the salamander who went to Hollywood to make newt movies? What do you call Santas helpers? "Ellen DeGeneres, 68. For even more humorous remarks, check out these funny fortune cookie sayings. If you cannot be wise, pretend to be someone who is wise, and then just behave like they would." Phyllis Diller, 82. Whos there? Enjoy it before it melts. Every of the time! Kevin Malone, The Office, 32. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again." Witty one liners means instant laughs. We hope you enjoy this website. One destination for older woman. They just wash up on shore. Did you enjoy these cleaver quotes and sayings? If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still irritating? 93. 1. Therefore, theres no true formula for a perfect joke, and despite study and analysis on the part of comedians and scientists, we dont have a precise answer to, What makes things funny?. Corporate Gift Ideas Your Clients and Customers Will Love, 2023 SnackNation. Up until then, you are just doing research." - Carl Gustav Jung 5. It was Chewie. "Don't be so humble you are not that great.Golda Meir, 65. What do you call a bear with no teeth? I always give 100% at work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday and 5% Friday. Anonymous, 35. Dive into the categories below and make sure to add more of your own in the comments below. We appreciate any shares on Pinterest if you love our work! Dolly Parton, 32. "Mae West, 11. One-Liners. You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. People without self-awareness go through life simply reacting out of habit. John C. Allen, 7. Work is a necessity for man. It's inevitable that people will feel awkward trying to make small talk when a loved one dies. "The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone." 77. 42. The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. Oscar Wilde, 13. If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said Quit while youre ahead? "No matter how bad things get, remember these sage words: You're old, you sag, get over it. Steven Wright. The coach replied, "You're standing too close to the ball after you've hit it.". A gummy bear. People who are clever are gifted with the art of turning complex situations to their favor. Let the beauty of what you love be what you do. Rumi, 78. Im never included in anything either. Search, watch, and cook every single Tasty recipe and video ever - all in one place! "Judith Martin, 62. 30. An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field. Niels Bohr, 16. Once you get that key point across, your audience will likely listen to everything else you have to say. Weve also snuck in a few cringeworthy jokes among these funny one-liners, so be warned. Best ATS Software A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item she doesn't want." ~ William Binger Our funny one-liner jokes are short, sweet and make you laugh. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. 60. Everyones eyes glaze over before youve even warmed up. "Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Duct tape is silver. - Anonymous, The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. One liner tags: attitude, communication, life. When I say I am a bad electrician somebody gets shocked and my community still wonders why. If you disable this cookie, we will not be able to save your preferences. "Life is short. "Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener. I dont know, but its flag is a big plus! (Best Life). You need a parachute to go skydiving twice., 3) Did you know that there are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones?, 4) Did you hear the rumor about butter? 1. Roses are red, violets are blue; I love you . If you don't know who it is that everyone in the family complains about, it's probably you. "One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.". 39. I wanna be 14 again and ruin my life differently, I have new ideas. Unknown, 4. Dam! When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: Whose? Interested in a content partnership? What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall? Sir Loin. "Bill Watterson, 10. Life. Then I want to move in with them." "By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work 12 hours a day.". 14. Michael Scott, The Office, 90. "Everybody wants to save the earth. Too many cheetahs. "Housework can't kill you, but why take the chance? Easy. 2. "I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. -, "Life is like a cobweb, not an organization chart." So each is inevitably disappointed." Roy Sutton. I never knew my real ladder. "Marcelene Cox, 97. I realized that the other day inside my fort. Pro-tip #3: Champion humor in your workplace by using an employee recognition platform such as Nectar to provide peer-to-peer rewards for making others laugh or smile. May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears. Nelson Mandela, 64. 41. Water is the most essential element in life because without it you cant make coffee. Karen Salmansohn, 72. "Sir Norman Wisdom, 50. I'm great at multitasking. So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect". Because, really, nothings better than a big belly laugh to start your week off right. and Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner. "Crying is for plain women. These cookies do not store any personal information. Life, its a funny thing, isnt it? Live the life you love. Bob Marley, 23. ' Don Marquis. Its part of an anti-litter campaign. Hey, if I could pay you less, I would, but its against the law. Careers A new wine has been made for cats. A pun for every season of the year. "The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen." US residents can opt out of "sales" of personal data. Question:What did the bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar?Answer: OK you two dont start anything. Here are 21 witty one-liners guaranteed to make you smile. He approaches the dead man's wife, and asks if he could say a word. In honor of Readers Digests 100th anniversary, weve collected 100 jokes, puns, and funny one-liners that are short, sharp, and easy to deliver. The first five days after the weekend are the toughest. Anonymous, 40. "I'm not offended by blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb. Whats Irish and stays out all night? Your life is your story; you can write out any characters who aren't enhancing the plot. 227 points. The morning after, Dave wanted some hair of the dog that bit him. We recommend our users to update the browser. Do these genes make me look fat?. Until then, lets all keep living our best (and most enjoyable) lives! Winter: the season when we try to keep the house as hot as it was in the summer, when we complained about the heat. Without a doubt, my favorite Robin Williams movie is. I gave him a glass of water. One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store. -Janeane Garofalo. [Booze], 4) My friend took me to what he said was an escape room. "Zig Ziglar, 99. When he talks, it isnt a conversation. One. I hate Sundays because they give birth to Mondays. Chris Southwave, 41. The people who live above me are furious. (Steven Wright), 3) I heard a story that the band Blink-182 incorporated under the name Poo Poo Butt LLC to embarrass their accountants in serious conversations., 4) I thought Id begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? Co-workers: Theyre some of the best people when it comes to sharing funny movie quotes and spitballing some funny one-liners. Alabama. 58. Knock, knock. A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one. Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings, 57. Men marry women hoping they will not. "Winston S. Churchill, 72. Speaking in front of a small group can feel like going on a first date. Add your one liner to our site and see how good it is. Youre getting ready to start your meeting. No man goes before his timeunless the boss leaves early. Groucho Marx, 23. Now quiet! Guides and Resources Browse these Monday memes until you laugh (or cry), then check out some Friday memes to end your week on the right foot. It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website. Sometimes I even add it to the food." 71: One cigarette shortens your life by two hours, one bottle of vodka by three hours, and a workday - eight hours. Manage Settings With additional reporting research by Lucie Turkel and Greg Daugherty. Because they have two left feet. 37. Every moment is a fresh beginning. T.S Eliot, 80. From the very best dad jokes to one-liners and puns, we've got it all for you! Stop hating Mondays. "Go to heaven for the climate, hell for the company. Buffet is a French word that means get up and get it yourself.. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. "Life is pleasant. "Joan Rivers, 5. Scientists have recently discovered a food that greatly reduces sex drive. "Jim Carrey, 59. Time decides who you meet in life, your heart decides who you want in your life, and your behaviour decides who stays in your life. Unknown, 26. "Do not take life too seriously. Via Getty Images/Michael Heim / EyeEm. On online dating profile is found on dating profiles for both guys and find and girls which of dating profile quotes will want a funny. You must believe your joke is funny if you hope others will find it funnykind of like you (hopefully) wouldnt use pick up lines that have no chance of at least earning a wry smile. 34. If you can fake that, you've got it made. -, "Light travels faster than sound. "David Lee Roth, 79. jokes, Life, smile, Stress-free, witty one liners. That means I talk down to people. Dont take life so seriously, you will not get out alive. Elbert Hubbard, 3. 76. Pro-tip #1: Do you know whats not funny? Life really does begin at forty. "I wanna be 14 again and ruin my life differently, I have new ideas." - Unknown 4. "A woman is like a tea bag: You can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water." Now that I have children, I understand the scene in Return of the Jedi where Yoda is so tired of answering Lukes questions, he just up and dies. (iFunny). Like a good conversation starter or icebreaker question, a joke can warm up your listeners brains and prepare them to receive your message. ", "Only good girls keep diaries. Nothing, it was on the house. Drink two of them and youll forget what your Namath. Dolly Parton, 56. The results of any quiz can be a gold mine for customized joke material that hits with your audience (a.k.a co-workers) because it was designed specifically for (and maybe even incorporates) your audience. "Phyllis Diller, 55. 38. Alesandra is a digital travel and lifestyle journalist based in Los Angeles whose work has appeared in Good Housekeeping, Womans Day, Prevention, Insider, Glamour, Shondaland, AFAR, Parents, TODAY and countless other online and print outlets. "A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.". But in medieval times people were named Lance a lot. One day the people that dont even believe in you will tell everyone how they met you. Johnny Depp, 77. "Never miss a good chance to shut up. Please enable Strictly Necessary Cookies first so that we can save your preferences! 95 Entrepreneur Quotes For Business Motivation & Success! Witty one liners are jokes that are delivered in a single line. You cant believe everything you hearbut you can repeat it. Discover unique things to do, places to eat, and sights to see in the best destinations around the world with Bring Me! You'll have trouble putting on your pants. "Even I don't wake up looking like Cindy Crawford. The nature of life is to change. William Arthur Ward, 14. Heres a funny fact: Nicolas Cage once purchased an octopus to help him with his acting. (PS A truly energizing icebreaker joke is a great way to open up a team building event or activity and help everyone enter the right mindset to participate in the fun. We and our partners use data for Personalised ads and content, ad and content measurement, audience insights and product development. Funny one-liners 1. Three guys walked into a bar. And if these arent enough, check out some uplifting inspirational quotes thatll add some extra motivation to your workweek. Report. Cookie information is stored in your browser and performs functions such as recognising you when you return to our website and helping our team to understand which sections of the website you find most interesting and useful. "The meaning of life is to give life meaning." - Ken Hudgins 2. What do you call a hippies wife? 11. Theres an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job. Peter Drucker, 18. Enjoy! Funny One-Liner Jokes I asked the IT guy, "How do you make a Motherboard?" He said, "I tell her about my job." Why was Cinderella dropped from the soccer team? One liner tags: attitude, communication, life 83.79 % / 1230 votes. FAQ "I love mankind it's people I can't stand!! How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo. If youre familiar and passionate about your joke, you have a better chance of getting a reaction from others. Willie was a Chemist, But Willie is no more, What Willie thought was H20 Was H2SO4. So did everyone else on the submarine., 3) Heres a funny fact: Nicolas Cage once purchased an octopus to help him with his acting., 4) You know you must be doing something right if old people like you. (Dave Chappelle), 5) How much does a polar bear weigh? Why arent dogs good dancers? I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once. Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. Unknown, 44. When a woman gets up people look; then, if they like what they see, they listen., A woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. The difference between a hippo and a Zippo is that one is heavy and the other is a little lighter. A: Tyrannosaurus wrecks. You've perfected overthinking as an art form. "You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. "Joan Rivers, 44. All the flowers of all the tomorrows are in the seeds of today and yesterday. Pro-Tip #4:Get plenty of fodder for your jokes by introducing your team to Quizbreaker, an icebreaker tool that makes it easy to create and share quizzes about your team, with your team. 55. ~ Tallulah Bankhead, "Never argue with a woman when she's tiredor when she's rested. 48. I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend than be one. Clarence Darrow, 31. How many paranoid people does it take to change a light bulb? Pam Beesly, The Office, 38. "It's never too late to have a happy childhood.". If you like these amazing funny quotes and wallpapers, feel free to share these with friends and family on Facebook, Tumblr, Instagram, WhatsApp, Twitter and brighten your day!!! We all have hopes and aspirations, though some peoples goals are more active than others. Look for opportunities in every change in your life. Meir Liraz, 36. 6789 Quail Hill Pkwy, Suite 211 Irvine CA 92603, "I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. "Mark Twain, 69. ' (Jim Gaffigan). "Jerome K. Jerome, 95. "Follow your passion, stay true to yourself, never follow someone else's path unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path then by all means you should follow that." If you have to go around telling people how awesome you are, there's a pretty good chance that you're the only one who actually thinks so. "Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well. "Don't waste so much time thinking about how much you weigh. the crustacean accused of promoting his own shellfish interests? Im not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues. Franklin D. Roosevelt, 29. 63. Yeah, they got him on possession. Whether you're having a bad day or know someone who could use a little cheering up, laughter really is the best medicine plus, there are so many ways to tickle your funny bone. Just leave me alone! Unknown, 76. Im Alabama self. 84. "Life is like a box of chocolates. I love deadlines. A joke could make someone crack up one day and have no effect the next day. Always be sincere, even if you dont mean it. Unknown, 40. Its not stroganoff. 94. Neil Gaiman, 75. Truvy Jones, Steel Magnolias, 43. From life's many lessons, struggles and joys to the always interesting realities of life, you might find the perfect words in these funny life quotes, including some on the topic of family.